It's been a while. The last time I was on here publishing my outfits, beauty favs, and travel adventures, life looked different. It looked rosy, perfect, and full of hope. I'm coming here, to my blog, my digital diary, to explain what my life has been like lately.
I'm taking another moment to be vulnerable. Back in 2013, I came on here explaining my struggle with depression and anxiety, and to my surprise, many of my readers reached out supporting me and commending me for being so open and vulnerable.
This past year, 2022, I lived the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I don't say that lightly because it truly was the hardest year of my life. I fought tooth and nail to make it out alive.
From the start, I have now been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for 10 years. 2012-now. 10 long years of constant highs and lows, and I was still not prepared for what came my way last Spring.
March 2022 I broke up with who I considered, and still do, the love of my existence. Someone who motivated me to be better, to grow, heal and to be who I was. But it all crashed down when in a moment of insecurity, confusion, and volatile emotion, I decided I needed to end it. While on an anniversary trip in Bozeman, Montana. In that moment I could feel the confusion in what I felt in my heart; a push and pull. Black and white. No grey area to even think rationally. I only made decisions based on my strong emotions.
The weeks after, after many therapy sessions with my therapist, I got my answer. I finally understood the push and pull. Why I only thought in black and white. Why my emotions controlled my life. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Although the breakup was the catalyst for searching for answers, it wasn't the first occasion this personality disorder affected me or my life. It had been around for most of my entire adolescence and young adult life. Going through the DSM-V criteria (the scale on which one receives diagnosis) I cried. My therapist would read out each one, and memories would flood in every time. I am going to choose to keep my relevant criteria private, since it's still something I am working on, but I am glad I got answers. I started DBT - Dialectical Behavior Therapy almost immediately after diagnosis and it has changed my life. I get so emotional thinking about how my life drastically changed. Learning to think within the grey area, accept that both good and bad can coexist has been amazing. It has been a long road but I am so proud of myself. I suffered my entire life thinking I was crazy for feeling emotions on such a large scale, and now I feel so understood.
I have stayed away from social media, specifically Instagram, as a personal choice to heal and grow without the constant judgement, and spectating from people irrelevant to me or my life. I made a private instagram only for close friends, close family, and my fellow BPD community members, and it has made such a difference. I use it to share my personal growth, my lessons, and my health journey. Because besides getting a BPD diagnosis, I also started my months long journey to find answers to my other health struggles, which have been frustrating and long.
Long story short, I was collapsing and frequently taken to the hospital, and the answer came from within my family. POTS - Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome runs in my dad's family. I now have frequent doctors visits with my GP, my cardiologist, and my neurologist. I feel so well taken care of and my doctors have been so amazing and supportive. Life with a chronic illness is not for the faint of heart. Pun not intended. LOL I wake up some days and my blood pressure is so low I can barely stand without fainting. I now start my days with a few pickle slices, 30 oz of water with LMNT sodium packets, and any salty snacks I can stuff my face with, before I even eat breakfast or drink coffee. During summer, I was using a mobility assistance device (a walker) because I couldn't physically travel alone for work. It has been humbling and I don't ever plan on taking health for granted again. I live a new normal.
With BPD and POTs being a part of my life moving forward, I want to be able to use this platform I created as my digital diary. I don't think I will be quite as open about these things on Instagram, if I ever return, since I have learned how fake people from my past could be. This, and TikTok are the only 2 platforms I plan on keeping. Follow along for how my life is going to change. I've hit the lowest lows so there's only up from here. :)
Thanks for reading, I appreciate you.
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